“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
~ Melody Beattie
“When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are, instead of what you think they should be.”
~ Mandy Hale
I was driving myself crazy, literally nuts! There was something that happened to me as menopause started. I was constantly asking myself these nagging questions:
If only I had….?
Have I accomplished everything in my life that I wanted to?
Am I really happy?
How did my body end up this way?
Would I ever feel like myself again?
I found myself spending excessive time longing for the past. I became depressed and angry. I could not understand why in the world I was torturing myself with these thoughts!?! The early years in my 50’s and the throws of menopause were playing games with my own self-worth.
But I am not alone…
For Generation X women, there has always been an overwhelming amount of pressure to live up to certain, defined expectations. We have gone through life with the belief we must continually strive to maintain a young and perfect body, actively engage in a dynamic relationship with our spouse, have a close and nurturing relationship with our children, hold a high powered job to be considered equal to men, display a beautifully appointed home, and be the perfect, doting daughter to our aging parents— all while maintaining our sanity and happiness.
I don’t know about you my friends, but I have failed at this miserably…and I am ok with it!
These are significant pain points which women in our age group have been led to believe are expected. Am I right? The problem is, more often than not, we simply fall short and find ourselves in a different place than we planned. We start seeing ourselves as failures, rather than acknowledging that these expectations are totally unreasonable and lead to feelings of frustration, inadequacy, and shame.
I spent many years not being able to get out of bed (a secret I haven’t shared with many until now). I would force myself to get up and dressed before my kids got home from school. I just went through the motions of getting through the day. I was in a very dark place. The debilitating feeling that I failed and wasn’t worth anything fed into my own anxiety and depression, and halted my deserved happiness.
“Unrealistic expectations stem from the core belief that we are not enough as we are. When we live in this place, we are never truly living in the moments of our lives; we’re living in sadness from what we weren’t and fear that may never be.”
~ Jenn Fieldman, LPCS
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, but I bet you have, we all hold onto unrealistic expectations. In fact, the biggest unrealistic expectation is that we shouldn’t have unrealistic expectations! But that doesn’t mean this is healthy because it chips away at our relationships, self confidence, and even steers our lives in an unhealthy direction. Ultimately, the wrong expectations can set us up for failure.
“When you expand your awareness, seemingly random events will be seen to fit into a larger purpose.”
~ Deepak Chopra
Acceptance
Acceptance gives us the freedom and ability to live in the moment and experience life just the way it is. This doesn’t mean you are giving up on expectations, but rather understanding that some are realistic and some are not.
We can never be in complete control of what happens, but we can control how we choose to respond to each situation. Acceptance takes time and patience to learn how to surrender, develop tolerance, and maintain a humble attitude. And it takes practice.
“Acceptance is observation of life and suspension of judgement
about whether what is happening is good or bad, right or wrong.”
~Ron Smotherman
Well my friends, now is the time to relinquish the hold on your UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. Let them go…set them free!
You don’t think you have any? You think you have too many?
Either way, it’s important to dig deep for an introspective look at where you are. Learning how and actually letting go can be a bumpy road, and requires our full attention and intention.
You may be asking what this really looks like?
Let’s explore, discuss and share some realistic and productive ways to move beyond our self-doubts and disappointments into a new, healthier, and happier place.
Acknowledgment & Awareness
Our journey begins in a discovery phase known as acknowledgment. It is here is where we are required to recognize, define, and understand the emotions we are experiencing, without any judgement or guilt. Even if we’ve spent years in denial about the expectations we have placed upon ourselves, taking the first step of acknowledgment will help when confronting them. We are powerless to fix a problem if we do not see it as a problem.
Awareness is also a critical part of this process. It helps us become more cognizant about how realistic our expectations are and whether what we are trying to achieve is worth our time and effort.
My journey’s beginning was rough. This was not an easy process for me. It took years of counseling, a lot of deep soul searching, and the fortitude to know that things were eventually going to be better and I would not be judged.
My short and simple formula for discovery: Find space to open your mind, give yourself time, meditate, observe, reflect, journal your feelings, and don’t be afraid to get help.
When I arrived at this point, I was starting to see the daylight again and letting go of fear. I really had to self nurture and give myself a break. I learned how to ask for help when I needed it and share with those closest to me what was going on in my life. Living in the moment meant spending time with special people without the fear of being judged.
My short and simple formula for acceptance: Open your heart to accepting the truth, tell yourself it’s okay, release negative thoughts, do what makes you feel happy, smile and laugh, be around the people who you love and love you, and again, don’t be afraid to get help.
The conscious act of acknowledging, accepting, and releasing your unrealistic expectations and life disappointments will help you not only feel better, but also move you into a better place for aging with intention.
Mindfulness & Gratitude
Mindfulness is the ability to stay present in the moment so you can become more aware of what you are doing, feeling, and thinking. It requires us to live day to day without judging whether good or bad things are happening around us.
Mindfulness ultimately allows us to let go of expectations and age with intention.
My short and simple formula for mindfulness: Find a quiet and calm spot, breathe, meditate, acknowledge your emotions, relax, let go of negativity, and find a mentor to guide you.
“Mindfulness is a quality that every human being already possesses, it’s not something you have to conjure up, you just have to learn how to access it.”
~The Mindful Staff
Gratitude requires us to take the time to notice and reflect upon our life experiences which we are thankful for. It also empowers us to look for positive outcomes in any situation. When reflecting upon what we are grateful for, remember that even small things can have significant importance. Being thankful for a productive, happy day. Gratitude for finishing a long overdue project. Find the positive, even in simplicity.
My short and simple formula for gratitude: Keep a journal, compliment others, say please and thank you, volunteer, nurture friendships, check on loved ones, start each day with a grateful heart.
“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
~ Melody Beattie
Practice Self-love
It’s hard for most of us to love ourselves fully (flaws included) and let go of what we believe perfection is…or what we think our loved ones expect us to “look like”. When we accept who we are, there is no room for other’s expectations.
Honestly speaking, this is a tough one for me. I am forced to confront this daily. I don’t like looking in the mirror and find myself relentlessly comparing my body to other women. I engage in the typical “body-shaming” that I know is not productive or helpful.
Practicing self-love for me is a conscious effort to acknowledge my unrealistic expectations and accept my body as is. Expressing gratitude has taught me how to shift negative perceptions and thoughts towards being thankful for my healthy and strong body, mind, and soul.
My short and simple formula for practicing self-love: Smile at yourself in the mirror, buy new clothes that make you feel pretty, pamper yourself, create your own positive affirmations, write yourself a love letter.
“Self-love means accepting yourself as you are in this very moment for everything that you are. It means accepting your emotions for what they are and putting your physical, emotional, and mental well-being first.”
~ Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D.
Our closest, longest, and most intimate relationship is the one we have with our mind, body, and soul. Taking care of and loving all three is key to accepting ourselves without judgment and aging with intention.
In order for me to escape from years of darkness, loneliness, and depression, I had to get out of my head. I learned how to acknowledge and accept that it's okay I fell short of what I "thought" life expected of me. This gave me a safety net and allowed me to become comfortable and happy in my own skin. Practicing self love continues to be a long and winding road for me, but I am getting there. The journey of mindfulness and gratitude has given me the ultimate gift of how to find and maintain happiness and peace.
A Final Thought on Expectations
We have come to acknowledge and understand how unrealistic expectations are false beliefs that something MUST BE…we must look a certain way, parent a certain way, love a certain way. This can lead to the creation of poorly planned and executed goals. There is no room for this in our lives!
Conversely, it’s very healthy to have realistic goals. We can (and SHOULD) love the body we are in while setting attainable benchmarks to live a happy, healthy and productive life as we move into our 50’s and beyond. Simply said, aging with intention allows us to set lofty, ambitious goals that are realistically attainable. Believe in yourself!
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss,
you’ll land among the stars.”
~Norman Vincent Peale
I would love to hear what makes you happy!
How do you practice mindfulness, gratitude, and self love?
What goals do you have at this stage in your beautiful life?
