november 2021
“Friendship is a relationship with no strings attached except the ones you choose to tie, one that’s just about being there, as best as you can.”
~Julie Beck~
It was 1985…our hair was permed and big, we wore blue eyeshadow, talked for hours on rotary phones, loved to shop at the mall, and were singing along to Madonna. I couldn’t imagine a day going by without seeing or talking to my high school friends. They were the only ones who could really understand what it was like to be a teenager…lol!
Our lives changed when we went to college. But our hair was still big, boxy shoulder pads and high rise jeans were a fashion staple, and our music was led by the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.
Our circle of friends grew, whether it was dormmates, sorority sisters, or members of other clubs or activities we were a part of. But the basic premise of friendships being the most important relationship in our lives remained the same. They were how we identified ourselves and thrived during our high school and college years.
The dynamics changed after we graduated from college. Some friends were getting married, others starting grad school, and many of us moving all over the country to begin new jobs. So just like at the end of high school, college graduation brought with it the inevitable separation of friendships.
Our twenties introduced us to a completely different stage of life unlike what we were used to. We were learning how to be self-sufficient and live in the ‘real world.’ Our friendships were based on where we worked, lived, and how we spent our spare time.
It became more of a challenge, though, to keep in touch with our long-distance friends. But we found time to talk on the phone, visit each other on the weekends, and every so often take a short get-away together. We discovered that the quality of friendships became more important than the quantity.
“The friendships that are meant to last will grow with you. However, some won’t. And that is okay too.”
~Michelle Ioannou~
Adulting got real in our thirties. Spending time with friends became more of a luxury, and less of a necessity for our daily survival. We could barely find a convenient time to meet for a drink, let alone a moment to talk on the phone.
We were busy with our careers, starting families, or entrenched in grad school. We found ‘socializing’ became more circumstantial; hanging out with the parents of your kid’s friend, neighbors, co-workers, and work-out buddies.
Before we knew it, we were in our forties. Some of us had kids in college and others were “older moms” like myself. (I had my third child at forty.) Regardless, life remained busy.
But we understood and could relate to each other’s crazy schedules. We didn’t let friendships die because life was getting in the way. Instead, there was this unspoken agreement that if we couldn’t connect, our feelings weren’t hurt.
Your good friends will still be there, even if you go through some changes, because the pillars of your bond cannot be shaken by things like parenthood or distance.
Friendship in our forties meant we may have only talked a few times a year, but that was okay because we made the conversations count. Maybe friends are more willing to forgive long lapses in communication because they too are living through the same compilation of life’s responsibilities?
We now find ourselves in our glorious fifties. Our friendships are entering a new and enjoyable era. We may have ‘lost’ some along the way, but our fondest and dearest friends are those who we hold close to our hearts.
At this stage in our lives, we finally have the opportunity to actually “see” each other more often. These special times we spend together are filled with laughter, comparing our wrinkles, discussing our aches and pains, and sharing our deepest feelings about aging. They are genuine and intentional moments.
“Close friends understand your words in the way that you meant them — and, most rewarding of all, give you the sense that they understand you.”
~Deborah Tannen~
As we grow older, we find the strongest of friendships are with people who truly want what is best for us. They have a vested interest and push us to be the greatest version of ourselves.
Below are some key characteristics of what close friendships are really made of. If your tribe has most of these, consider yourself to be lucky!
Accessible:
This seems like an easy task, but actually being there when a friend needs us is often times a challenge. But the truest of friends make it happen. We are adaptable, accessible, and present in the moment. We choose to make each other a priority.
Steadfast:
True friendships can withstand the test of time. It is an amazing feeling to reunite with friends and feel as though nothing has changed. We may be older, but the joy of being with each other is the same as the first day we met.
Trustworthiness:
Having that someone you can confide in and trust is the cornerstone of a strong friendship. Regardless of what you tell them, you know that it stays between the two of you. They are the ones with whom we can share our deepest and darkest secrets.
Dependability:
It’s important to know that our friends will be there for us no matter what life throws our way. We depend on them to lend a helping hand, counsel us when we need advice, or just simply be there to listen.
Loyalty:
Good friends naturally want to spend time with us and will go above and beyond to make sure they do. They are there when we are struggling, be it financially, mentally, or physically. The bond of friendship is unbreakable with these special people.
Acceptance:
Friends don’t have to always agree with you, but they should always show support for your decisions. They are able to put themselves in your shoes and provide valuable advice and support. They don’t judge you, put you down, or deliberately hurt your feelings. They sincerely love you for just being you.
Honesty:
Friends should not only be accepting of your life decisions, but they should also make you feel confident. Friends who can be upfront, even if the truth may hurt, are instrumental for our long term happiness.
I have come to value the importance of surrounding myself with the friends who bring out the best in me…they are my tribe. These are the women whose friendships are healthy, enjoyable, meaningful, and intentional. These are my life long friends. And my love for each and every one of them is deep and real…and one more part of my aging with intention.
~ friends ~
they make you laugh a little harder, smile a little brighter,and live a little better than before.
